“Together, Or Not At All” >>>Free Ebook For Couples
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Together, Or Not At All
Avoid the V.P.R. Trap Or Die…
For a couple to achieve success in all areas they will have to overcome the victim, perpetrator, rescuer (V.P.R.) trap. I know because it severely weakened me in my own marriage for many years. I wish someone would have shared with me what I am about to share with you. It would have saved me and my wife a decade of pain and suffering. May these insights help you and yours to implement your own strength of together, or not at all.
Founder BeLoved Miracles – Because Together, We Overcome!
There is a term I will refer to in the following stories as The Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer (V.P.R.) Trap. I am sure you have had experience playing one of these roles in your own life. Especially as a couple! 🙂 Where one of the three are you are certain to find the other two close by! Awareness of The V.P.R. Trap unlocks an elite level of success in a couple’s relationship with money. So let’s get started there…
Avoiding The V.P.R. Trap! Are You Stuck Playing One of These Rolls?
When I was about nine years old I got stuck in the Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer (V.P.R.) Trap. Took me a while to realise it though. My sixteenth year was not so sweet. Committing suicide was the only act of freedom I could see left to take at that point in my life.
I overcame that walk through the valley of the shadow of death with the help of my mother. I found myself trapped in it again numerous times over the past decades. Until just recently gaining enough self-awareness to no longer keep stepping into this painful trap. A couple’s relationship with money strengthens with a shared awareness of the V.P.R. Trap.
How to have a never ending
honeymoon with your
I Thought I Married One Woman, I Got Two.
My wife is Norwegian and she had a 16 year old daughter at the time I married her. So the decision was not a hard one to make. I left the United States and we settled in Norway so I could support her being a mother. My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. Decades of preparation. Years of searching. Now began a shared journey of together, or not at all.
Yet love can be blind. And our strength in love, could not overcome our being weak in implementing logistics together. There were excuses we used for years. My wife’s chronic illness, being short of money with no income, needing to learn the language of the new culture and environment I was now living in etc. etc.
A common theme ran through each of our excuses. That of playing the role of victim. Feeling powerless and not good enough to overcome this perceived weaknesses. Because of her chronic illness most often my wife played the victim role, which set me up to be the perpetrator. Our together, grew more and more apart. Into a separating, dividing and weakening independence. At the times when I rotated into the victim role my wife turned into the perpetrator to me. So back and forth these roles would be exchanged. Which cried out for rescue.
Subtle, crafty and unconscious is playing the role of Rescuer (of the victim). I began to realise that in the drama with my wife this was deeply established in her childhood long before I had arrived on the scene. As a little girl my wife almost died of meningitis. It was a powerful and significant experience of playing these roles between my now wife and her mother. So marrying my wife now had me cast as an additional character in the drama.
As an American coming to Norway I was completely unaware of just how deep I would slide down this rabbit hole. And almost not make it out alive!
Our simple wedding day left us with not enough money to go on a honeymoon. So a couple of days after, I woke up next to my wife on the bed in her childhood bedroom. In the old family farmhouse of her mother. on a small island on a fjord in Norway.
It woke up to a sinking feeling. Thinking, “nothing is going to change.” Which is very characteristic of the V.P.R. Trap. The three roles are dependent upon each other. They do
not change, other than rotate around like a roulette wheel. Clicking you into the trap of one of the three roles again and again and again. Little by little I weakened in my new role as a husband. Being together, included my mother-in-law in this drama, was becoming more and more of a “not at all” situation for me.
At the time, I had no conscious awareness of the Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer Trap. No one had ever introduced it to me. I just knew of my growing misery and unhappiness in this circumstance I felt trapped in. Money seemed the only way to “buy my way out” of this now chronic situation I woke up to each day.
I Am Sorry, Please Forgive
Me, I Love You, Thank You
How To Use The 4 Declaration Formula to Get Out Of The Bear Trap.
My love had brought me to Norway to unite with my beloved. My mother-in-law was now deeply part of this package deal. Caught up in rescuing my wife and me as “the couple with no money.” And all of this just continued to progressively get worse for the first years of our marriage. Money offered relief but not yet the way out.
Because we were deeply stuck in it, getting out of the Victim, Perpetrator, Rescuer bear- trap had us praying for help. We were at the limit of what we could do on our own. The more my wife and I tried to get out of it, the worse it got. Together was progressively being lost to an increasingly “not at all” situation. Being together, united as a couple and our money situation continued to humble us in preparation for receiving the help we were asking for. What we were resisting, was persisting and only getting worse. Leaving us more and more divided and independent.
It was a difficult thing seeing my beloved in pain and suffering, it hurt deeper still being cast in a role of being the cause of it. One, two or three things alone were not enough. It took four things together to begin to unite us again as a couple again.
- “I am sorry.”
- “Please forgive me.”
- “I love you.”
- “Thank you”
How to Use The 4 Declaration Formula To Get Out of The V.P.R. Trap: When you are playing the role of Victim:
You are feeling at the effect of someone else. Fearful. Feeling trapped. Like you are stuck in a hole. The whole world seems against you. You can’t see a way out. With your relationship, your finances, your health. You’re feeling fragile because of your poor self- esteem and you’re judging yourself.
When you are playing the role of Perpetrator:
You are helping someone else feel the above. You’re feeding their fear, low self-esteem. Attempting to control another, you are a know it all. Thinking you know better than they do. You keep others under your power and you think it is a good thing.
When you are playing the role of Rescuer:
This is a tricky one. Imagine how many millions are given to poor countries to keep them poor. Here you think you’re help is really helping, but it just might continue the V.P.R. Trap. In this role you are only helping the victim to continue being a victim. Or the perpetrator to continue being a perpetrator.
Rather than giving someone a fish, give them a fishing rod. If you give them a fish, you are being a rescuer and continuing to keep that person as a victim. You are then both in the trap. Giving them the fishing rod helps you both to get out of the trap. You stop being the rescuer and they will stop being a victim.
In this role you think you are in charge and the other person will not survive without you. You don’t believe in other people, that they can thrive by themselves. That’s why you don’t challenge them. You don’t believe that they can overcome their challenges without you. You want to be everything to everybody. You know best, and you think that’s a good thing.
As a couple how do you make decisions?
Who has the final word in a decision?
Ending an argument it becomes most clear the role you are playing:
Or a Rescuer?
Which of you finishes the argument? The final word says it all!
You will experience emotional and mental changes, embrace them. Don’t fight them this is the healing process. You will restore wholeness to the situation by healing yourself.
Here is a system I use to get out of the V.P.R. Trap Immediately. Regaining my peace of mind. Experiencing inner healing and feeling whole again.
The following will help you put this into practice: For example,
You have just had an argument and you feel threatened, maybe not having been treated fairly. You might be fearful, angry, hurt,
Step 1: Visualise the person you are “V.P.R.ing” with, and apply this formula. You just had an argument and you feel this way. Close your eyes, take a few deep breathes and visualise it in front of you. Observe it: The person, the situation or the feeling.
Step 2: Repeat the words as if you are speaking them into what you are visualising, the person and/or the circumstance:
- “I am sorry.”
- “Please forgive me.”
- “I love you.”
- “Thank you”
Repeat this declaration as many times as is needed until you feel healed.
When all four came together with gratitude the result is BeLoved Miracles. Because Together, we now have a united strength to overcome as a couple.
Designing Your Coincidences
Andrine Missing her Train And Meeting With My Lawyer.
There is a lot more to share of the story between my wife and me which I am glossing over to save us both time for now. We consider you now a part of our family and we look forward to sharing much more with you over time. You are also welcome to ask any questions you have. Because we also look forward to hearing your own story of being a
couple and relating to money as well. For now, let me see if I can bring a close to our story being share with you in a way that can inspire you in designing your own life.
Designing our way out of the roles of Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer took us almost a decade. In that period of time our (today 7 year old) son was born. I had to deal with senility and almost died and we had lawyers and a court date set for making a divorce settlement. Simply because many times it seemed our being together would have to be surrendered to not at all. We were facing impossible odds.
Within a couple of weeks of our court date. I was returning our son to my wife in Oslo, for their two day travel returning to mother-in-law island up north on Trondheim fjord in Norway. They missed the train and suddenly my wife and son where now unexpected staying overnight with me. This “coincidence” quickly became a beloved miracle.
One day lengthened into a week and in that period of time a miracle happened.
First Key – Find A Mentor My Divorce Lawyer
Key to getting out of the Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer (V.P.R.) Trap is to find help.
This can be a bit more challenging then it appears. In my experience most people spend a lifetime completely unconscious to being stuck in the V.P.R. Trap. Surrounded by others in their family-of-origin, school, work and as a couple in relationship with money only having one of three roles to play:
1. 2. 3.
Victim to circumstances
Perpetrator, helping others to be a victim of you.
Rescuing others. (Where looking back now I can see I have lived the majority of my own life until just recently. Thinking I was doing others a service. When I was only “helping” them, and myself to remain unconscious to this viscous Russian roulette wheel of death.)
So be cautious!
When you ask someone for help, they can only tell what they know.
If all they know is how to be and see others as a Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. Guaranteed they are living their own life in the V.P.R. Trap. And they will not be able to help you free yourself from your own, while they are stuck in theirs.
Such was the case with the first lawyer I had hired and begun to work with preparing for my divorce. He wanted to “attack” my wife. And was beginning to do so without even consulting with me as to how he was going to do so. So I had to find another lawyer to represent me.
By the Grace of God I found a woman lawyer who had a heart and soul. She was able to bring remarkable awareness and sensitivity to the situation as we prepared the case for court. I trusted her. As it turned out she played the role of a perfect mentor to my wife and me. Because my wife and son missed their train we had an opportunity to come together and make a settlement just days before a bloody battle would have played out in court.
A mentor is key to being a couple and having a relationship with money beyond the typical world’s limiting roles of only being a 1. Victim 2. Perpetrator and 3. Rescuer
Now to stay out of the trap…
You have got to have the second key.
Find Yourself A System
How To Be An Elite BeLoved Miracles Couple
Nobody gets very successful by themselves. With an elite system though, practically any couple can be part of a successful franchise.
A system is something that can support a couple. A system can also support a community, and a community is one of the most powerful pillars of strength an individual can count upon in good times, and especially when the going gets tough. Imagine having such peace- of-mind for yourself.
Now imagine that you are a couple supported by an elite community. An elite couple achieving things well beyond what you can achieve by yourselves.
You will be operating alone unless you are connected to a community. And what supports the community is a system.
What is a System?
A system is a way to do something.
Consider a system where first you take care of yourself. Your personal growth and your happiness.
You’re then in a powerful position to be able to take care of your family.
Now take this a step further visualising a group of healthy and strong families coming together to form a community of likewise minded people. Other elite couples who think like you and who are part of a shared system.
BeLoved Miracles is the system I am referring to…
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BeCause Together, We Overcome.